Why America is Fat.

I once read an article about the top five reasons women don't go to the gym regularly. According to the author, a number of women cited the awkwardness of the locker room as a major concern. I can see how women might be intimidated by the idea of getting naked in front of complete strangers. I, however, am not afraid of such a thing. It doesn't really bother me to change in the locker room. I may or may not wrap myself in a towel to walk to the shower. I doubt anyone is looking at me, and I don't care what they think anyway. I've never really been embarrassed in the locker room … until tonight.

After I ran and lifted, I sat in the hot tub for a while, then it was back into the locker room to shower and change. It was around 7, which is just about the time that everyone else is in the locker room too. The after work crowd is leaving and the later crowd is just coming in. I was drying off as I was walking back to my locker, so needless to say, I didn't have the towel covering all of me. There were probably 15 people in the immediate vicinity of my locker, all changing, brushing their hair, or tying their shoes or whatever. So I was standing at my locker opening my lock when I experienced one of the top ten most awkward moments of my life. This was easily my most awkward locker room moment ever.

First, a bit of background information. How many of you have ever seen me moon anyone? That’s right … none of you. Little known fact: I’ve got a birthmark on each butt cheek. No. Seriously. And they’re symmetrically placed. Given that I’m prone to humorous and/or unusual situations, this shouldn’t surprise anyone. I’ve never really been embarrassed by this, but I don’t exactly go around showing everyone either.

I’m sure I don’t really have to tell you what happened while I was standing there naked opening my locker. Water aerobics had just ended and this little old lady was changing across the bench from me. I was standing there minding my own business, as one should in the locker room, when this creepy old lady says (loudly enough for everyone to hear), "My, aren’t those cute little birthmarks." … … and another very large old lady added, "That’s interesting." What the hell lady? Why are looking at my butt? And why are you POINTING IT OUT TO EVERYONE? Those of you who know me well can imagine the look on my face as I turned around, smirked at everyone looking at me, and hurriedly put my pants on.

As I stood there and finished changing, I realized that this little old lady could be directly responsible for the growing obesity epidemic. She is the reason women feel awkward in the locker room. She is the reason women who don’t go to the gym choose not to. Fat people of America, point your chubby fingers at her.

And when did Desperate Housewives get so violent?