Thursday, November 09, 2006

Why America is Fat.

I once read an article about the top five reasons women don't go to the gym regularly. According to the author, a number of women cited the awkwardness of the locker room as a major concern. I can see how women might be intimidated by the idea of getting naked in front of complete strangers. I, however, am not afraid of such a thing. It doesn't really bother me to change in the locker room. I may or may not wrap myself in a towel to walk to the shower. I doubt anyone is looking at me, and I don't care what they think anyway. I've never really been embarrassed in the locker room … until tonight.

After I ran and lifted, I sat in the hot tub for a while, then it was back into the locker room to shower and change. It was around 7, which is just about the time that everyone else is in the locker room too. The after work crowd is leaving and the later crowd is just coming in. I was drying off as I was walking back to my locker, so needless to say, I didn't have the towel covering all of me. There were probably 15 people in the immediate vicinity of my locker, all changing, brushing their hair, or tying their shoes or whatever. So I was standing at my locker opening my lock when I experienced one of the top ten most awkward moments of my life. This was easily my most awkward locker room moment ever.

First, a bit of background information. How many of you have ever seen me moon anyone? That’s right … none of you. Little known fact: I’ve got a birthmark on each butt cheek. No. Seriously. And they’re symmetrically placed. Given that I’m prone to humorous and/or unusual situations, this shouldn’t surprise anyone. I’ve never really been embarrassed by this, but I don’t exactly go around showing everyone either.

I’m sure I don’t really have to tell you what happened while I was standing there naked opening my locker. Water aerobics had just ended and this little old lady was changing across the bench from me. I was standing there minding my own business, as one should in the locker room, when this creepy old lady says (loudly enough for everyone to hear), "My, aren’t those cute little birthmarks." … … and another very large old lady added, "That’s interesting." What the hell lady? Why are looking at my butt? And why are you POINTING IT OUT TO EVERYONE? Those of you who know me well can imagine the look on my face as I turned around, smirked at everyone looking at me, and hurriedly put my pants on.

As I stood there and finished changing, I realized that this little old lady could be directly responsible for the growing obesity epidemic. She is the reason women feel awkward in the locker room. She is the reason women who don’t go to the gym choose not to. Fat people of America, point your chubby fingers at her.

And when did Desperate Housewives get so violent?


Horny Wife said...

Very funny! I can just picture that little ol' lady pointing at your butt cheeks. At least she said they were cute. Glad to know there is another woman out there that doesn't mind being naked in the locker room. We are women and we should be proud of our bodies because they can get us anything we want from our men.

The Chelsea Lou said...

I had a birthmark between my eyes when I was a kid -- we're talking bright red, people in the grocery store were staring, kind of birthmark.

I just kind of accepted it til one Christmas when my aunt's then-boyfriend (and now-jackass-husband) told me it was there because I was born with three eyes and my birthmark was actually the scar from where the doctors removed my eye. It's funny now. When you're 4, you think you're a freak.

I shrieked, cried and ran to my mom, and was extremely self-conscious of it until I had it lasered off in 8th grade.

Ivan Basso said...

Don't let it bother you. Everybody has something that doesn't need pointing out. I think it's odd that the older people get the less sensitive they are to the feelings of others. That was totally uncool and she is the one who looks foolish.
Anyway that's more information than I ever thought I would know about you.

Amy the cool said...

That is crazy, Ross. I actually heard recently that there is something neurological about people as they get older where they have to say what comes to their head. Crazy old women. My grandmother used to always point out your zits. Once she grabbed my head and lifted my bangs and said, 'oh yeah, you're getting them bad'. It was horrifying as a 7th grader. Maybe that's why old men and women also feel the need to yell out crazy racist things at inopportune times as well.
Anyway, thanks for your readership and comments over at my place. I'm glad someone else has had to come across scary Donna Haraway. We actually watched a video in class that was done by her, and it was the craziest thing I have ever seen. It was really low budget and she had women in t-shirts and animal print undies holding signs while she explained things like how the orbit of the earth is phallic. What a crazy. She also apparently married her best friend who was gay because they had such love for each other, even though it was fraternal love and they both had other lovers on the side.

Angie the cooler said...

Hey Ross, sorry I've been so bad about commenting. But I appreciate your comments on my blog. Your post made me think about how much I need to work out. Thanks a lot. I think YOU'RE the one making ME feel bad about myself. Old lady.

Helen said...

I am not surprised :)

Anonymous said...

I have never had a problem with the locker room nudity thing either. I have to laugh to myself when I see some women who change in a toilet stall just so no other women might see a split second glimpse of them.

But it was totally wrong of that older woman to embarrass you like that.

I don't have a problem with seeing other women nude in the locker room or them seeing me nude either, but I don't rudly stare at them either.


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