Thursday, November 30, 2006

Eat Me.

New "Foods" I've Tried Lately (some delightful, others not so much):
1. Fried Lemon ... surprisingly delightful.
2. Braunschweiger ... also known as "liver sausage." I didn't know about this alternate description when someone told me it was delicious. So I tried it. Then they told me what it was made of (liver, milk, and eggs). Then I was unhappy that it was in my mouth. It most closely resembles cat food. Not so delightful.
3. Pumpkin Ale ... I've actually had this from two different breweries. One was amazingly delightful, the other, not so much.
4. Fish Tacos ... stop laughing. These were made with swordfish. Delightful.
5. Cheese Curds ... made of magic and happiness held together by algebra. They squeak against your teeth when you chew them and it's neat! Also delicious fried. Very Delightful.
6. Skate Wing ... I was tricked into eating this. They told me it was "just a kind of fish." It looked like a huge ear on the plate, but I ate it anyway. It was tasty and delightful. But then I made the mistake of looking this thing up on the information superhighway. I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw it. I had nightmares last night. I'm still a little queasy this morning. I mean, seriously ... look at this thing!

Not so delightful.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Another Thing That Makes Me Smile:

Actually, this makes me laugh out loud with a sinister tone in my voice.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Why America is Fat.

I once read an article about the top five reasons women don't go to the gym regularly. According to the author, a number of women cited the awkwardness of the locker room as a major concern. I can see how women might be intimidated by the idea of getting naked in front of complete strangers. I, however, am not afraid of such a thing. It doesn't really bother me to change in the locker room. I may or may not wrap myself in a towel to walk to the shower. I doubt anyone is looking at me, and I don't care what they think anyway. I've never really been embarrassed in the locker room … until tonight.

After I ran and lifted, I sat in the hot tub for a while, then it was back into the locker room to shower and change. It was around 7, which is just about the time that everyone else is in the locker room too. The after work crowd is leaving and the later crowd is just coming in. I was drying off as I was walking back to my locker, so needless to say, I didn't have the towel covering all of me. There were probably 15 people in the immediate vicinity of my locker, all changing, brushing their hair, or tying their shoes or whatever. So I was standing at my locker opening my lock when I experienced one of the top ten most awkward moments of my life. This was easily my most awkward locker room moment ever.

First, a bit of background information. How many of you have ever seen me moon anyone? That’s right … none of you. Little known fact: I’ve got a birthmark on each butt cheek. No. Seriously. And they’re symmetrically placed. Given that I’m prone to humorous and/or unusual situations, this shouldn’t surprise anyone. I’ve never really been embarrassed by this, but I don’t exactly go around showing everyone either.

I’m sure I don’t really have to tell you what happened while I was standing there naked opening my locker. Water aerobics had just ended and this little old lady was changing across the bench from me. I was standing there minding my own business, as one should in the locker room, when this creepy old lady says (loudly enough for everyone to hear), "My, aren’t those cute little birthmarks." … … and another very large old lady added, "That’s interesting." What the hell lady? Why are looking at my butt? And why are you POINTING IT OUT TO EVERYONE? Those of you who know me well can imagine the look on my face as I turned around, smirked at everyone looking at me, and hurriedly put my pants on.

As I stood there and finished changing, I realized that this little old lady could be directly responsible for the growing obesity epidemic. She is the reason women feel awkward in the locker room. She is the reason women who don’t go to the gym choose not to. Fat people of America, point your chubby fingers at her.

And when did Desperate Housewives get so violent?

Friday, November 03, 2006

I'm Mad As Hell ...

... And I'm not gonna take it anymore. This is different than the rollerbladers or CP2. Those people are just irritating. This is not irritation. This is severe blinding rage.

I've always been pretty happy with Arvest, but Arvest does not exist here. I figured long distance banking would be much like long distance relationships. A lot of unnecessary hassle and inconvenience. So I opened an account with Park Bank. I chose this bank because they have 11 locations in the Madison area and one of these locations happens to be right between my house and my office.This bank was a mistake.When I set up my account, my paycheck still had my Arkansas address on it since I was still living at StudioPlus when I filled out my payroll paperwork. The guuy at the bank needed something with my Madison address printed on it. I told him I had changed my address at work and so my next paycheck would have my address, which I would bring in on Friday. Good enough. So that Friday, I go in to deposit my check and I tell the teller to please make a copy of it and give it to Tim. Seems easy enough. Apparently not.

Tim calls me on the following Tuesday reminding me that I need to bring in proof of address. I tell him I did that on Friday. He apologizes and says he'll find it. About a week later, he calls again telling me they can't find the copy and that I need to have them make a copy of my next paycheck that I deposit. Fine. Stuff happens. Stuff gets lost. Whatever.So the following Friday was the Bike Fed party, so I didn't make it to the bank to deposit my check. I also didn't make it the following Friday (I get paid weekly) because Beer Friday got out of hand. So I go to the bank on Monday. I prefer to go into the lobby, but the doors are locked. I look at the hours, and this godforsaken place closes the lobby at 5. What the hell? So I go through the drive thru. I am the only car in the drive thru. I tell the lady that I need her to look up my account number and that I need her to make a copy of one of the checks and give it to Tim. She bluntly informs me that I should conduct transactions like this in the lobby. What the hell lady? Your shitty lobby closes at 5! And besides, it's not like there are people waiting. So she says she'll take care of it this time. How gracious.So I thought everything was cool.

But nooo .... On Tuesday, the HR guy comes by and says, "Hey, just a heads up, Park Bank called to verify your employment." I tell him that's cool. But no, nothing involving Park Bank is cool. Yesterday I went to a bike shop to get some parts swapped from one wheel to another wheel. The charge was five bucks. So I give him my debit card, and it's DECLINED. Maybe it's just a freak deal. So I go to get gas and guess what? DECLINED. So I come home and sign on to my account and they've put a hold on my account! So I call the bank today and the person says they are still waiting for verification of my address! I resisted the urge to tell this person how fucking ridiculous this is. I ask to speak with Tim, who put the hold on my account, but he wasn't available.

Park Bank has succeeding in offering the crappiest, most inconvenient banking experience possible. I'm having trouble understanding how they can suck so much. They've proven their inability to handle anything well by failing to get this copy in the right hands not once, but twice. They know I'm a real person and not just some transient since they called to check my employment. And regardless, it's my money! It's not like I'm wanting a loan or anything. I can't believe they're punishing me for their sheer lack of competence. They are clearly not capable of handling my three hundred dollars and I will let them know this by taking my three hundred dollars elsewhere. That'll show em.