Sunday, January 27, 2008


I started with a few drinks, some zip ties, a donated pair of Truck Nutz, and a burning desire to embarrass my friend Becky:

I waited till she went to bed and then set to work on Operation Blue Balls. Fortunately she parked her car outside that night instead of in the garage, so I had a lot more room to move around. Then I worried because at first, I couldn't find a good spot on her VW Passat to hang her balls from. I guess there aren't too many people hanging plastic testicles on that particular model of car. In the end, I had to use a lot of zip ties, but I got the job done:

I left Becky's house the next morning feeling pretty good about what I had done. However, my joy would not last. I received the following e-mail from her just a few hours into the day:

Ha! I told you once that I had beans so I didn’t need a set of blue balls, thanks for thinking of me.

Now I know why you wanted those damn zip ties so bad!

I’m guess you did it last night so your triumph was short lived. It was barely light out this morning when I made my way to McDonalds and when I couldn’t go thru the drive thru with the bikes on the car I had to go in. That was my saving grace….due to my piggy-ness I discovered your tasteless joke. I saw it immediately when I left the restaurant and fortunately, I had a pair of scissors with me for today’s event so I immediately cut the offending sphere from my car. No one saw me, you were foiled in your devious trickery.

Vengence will be mine!!!!

Vengeance is hers, failure is mine.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Winter? No thanks.

I realize that winters in Arkansas are relatively temperate and that it doesn't get all that cold, but still, it gets cold. So when some dealers asked me to come down and do events in Florida in the middle of January, I gladly accepted. I was pretty stoked to be wearing shorts and flip flops my first two days here, but now we're going through a bit of a "cold snap" so it's only been in the low 60's the last couple of days. That's okay though. I'll take low 60's over low 40's any day.

All three of my events this week are in the Tampa area, so instead of shelling out for three nights in a hotel, I pitched my tent at Fort DeSoto County Park. I'm gonna go ahead and say that of all the places I've camped thus far, this one is my favorite. Really all it's missing is a good mountain bike trail. Yesterday I paddled around a bit and then rode my bike around a little.

My sweet bike kickin' it on a sweet beach.

The view from my campsite.

My campsite from the water.

This morning I decided I didn't really feel like riding since it was hella windy, but I remembered seeing some signs on the way into the park referring to some "historic fort." I thought it would probably be stupid, but I had some time to kill, so I figured I might as well go check it out anyway.

Turns out, it was really cool. There were all kinds of signs and stuff, but all you really need to know is that this was a sweet fort. It sits right on the point of the island and there's some huge ass guns. These guns could launch 1000 lb projectiles 5 miles out into the gulf. Pretty impressive for the early 1900's if you ask me.

Huge guns. I did resist the urge to straddle them, but that's really only because I was by myself.

The pier from the top of the fort.

Another view from the top of the fort.

The fort was definitely worth the half hour I spent walking around it. Apparently there's a canoe trail around the park somewhere, so I'm hoping to locate that tomorrow and do some more paddling. Oh, and the raccoons there are the most fearless raccoons I have ever encountered. Those little bastards were walking across my campsite with no disregard to my personal space.

Before I go, here's a funny photo from this weekend's event. I'm not exactly sure what Troy is trying to tell his dog, but I'm gonna be pissed if my tiger gets violated:

You should also check out my appearance in my pal Chris's blog. I'm flattered that she thought my e-mail response to her was blog-worthy. I was really tired and irritable when I wrote it. Speaking of Chris, doesn't she look a little bit like a Wookie in this picture?

Chris, if you had a really hairy face, you'd be a dead ringer for Chewbacca.

Well kids, I've spent far too much time not working today, so I'd better get back to it. Don't feel bad for me though. Work is actually quite pleasant when your office looks like this:

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Short and Sweet.

I don't have a lot of time, so you're getting another random list. Mostly I just want to be able to say that I blog more than Sarah does.
  • I had a fabulous week in Wisconsin to start off the New Year. Except the weather sucked.
  • I found my party dress and I'm pretty stoked about it.
  • I've slept in my own bed a lot lately and I'm seriously going to miss it. My flannel sheets are killer.
  • I have not ridden my bike in the last three weeks.
  • I schooled my cousins on some Guitar Hero action.
  • I am officially a college student again. I managed to get enrolled at NWACC so I can finish the ONE STUPID CLASS I need to complete my degree.
  • Pip is totally talking on the phone while he's pooping right now. GROSS.
  • Speaking of Pip, his dog brutally murdered someone's cat. I found the half-eaten rotting carcass in the front yard. It had a collar on and everything! Also GROSS.
Sorry for the crappy post. As usual, I am behind schedule on leaving for a trip. I had every intention of leaving my house at 6:00 this morning. Now it's 1:00pm and I still have to pack before I can leave.

More later.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Insert New Year's Cliche Here.

I don't really have much to write about, but I figure that a new year deserves a new post. I hope you're not expecting to read about my New Year's resolutions because I didn't make any. I'm also not going to eat black-eyed peas today. Someone told me that eating black-eyed peas would be good luck, but I think that's a load of horse shit. I didn't eat ANY black-eyed peas at all in 2007, much less on New Year's Day, and I had a stellar year! I didn't kiss anyone at midnight and I didn't sing Auld Lang Syne while toasting with champagne. You could say I'm an unceremonious bitch.

I will mention a quick follow up to my last post, though. My little sister was deeply touched by the moving letter that I painstakingly crafted for her on her birthday. She was so touched, in fact, that for Christmas, she bought me some yarn and glitter glue so I could finally have the ornament-making experience that she so unwittingly robbed from me 19 years ago.

So anyway, I guess I should end this with something ... inspirational to ring in the new year. Instead of going out tonight, I stayed home. Long story short, I was a bit ill and I have to leave for Wisco early in the morning. So I was cleaning my room instead of drinking a lot and repeatedly exclaiming how awesome 2007 was. In a pile of business cards and old receipts I found a worn out folded up piece of paper with my handwriting on it. I wrote this quote on this scrap of paper about a year and a half ago. I was "between jobs" and was pretty anxious about where to go from there. I had a hell of a lot of time on my hands back then, being unemployed and all, so I read a lot. I remember reading this one paragraph. Then I read it again. And again. Then I thought about it all the time, but it was long, so I could never remember exactly what it said. So I copied that paragraph onto some scrap paper and I carried that paper around in my pocket for over six months. This is what it said:
You are so young; you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer some distant day. Perhaps you are indeed carrying within yourself the potential to visualize, to design, and to create for yourself an utterly satisfying, joyful, and pure lifestyle. Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust, as long as it comes from your own will, from your own inner need, accept it and do not hate anything." - Rainer Maria Rilke

I stopped carrying it around when I moved back to Arkansas almost exactly a year ago. I guess I thought I didn't need it anymore. I thought I'd found my answers, but now I'm realizing that the questions have changed and that it's still pretty useful advice.

Great. Just great. Now I've managed to write something reflective on New Year's Day. I guess I'm not a completely unceremonious bitch.